When I was younger and my faith was in its infancy – I used to hear people talk all the time about “trusting God.”

And if I’m honest, my version of trusting God was often actually: trusting God for things to be OK………but OK in my head meant the problem got solved, the pain stopped, the relationship was restored, the situation changed, or everything somehow worked out in the way that I hoped it would.

And then in my early twenties, I hit a day where something definitely was not OK.

I remember the feeling vividly and it plummeted me into my very own version of the dark night of the soul.

I felt utterly abandoned by God. I remember feeling like He was sitting in the corner of the room watching events happen to me, and doing absolutely nothing.

For probably five to eight years after that, although I was still in church, still serving, still functioning outwardly, internally I was having a fundamental argument with God. Because I felt He had not been there for me in that moment and my anger was deep and my disappointment was profound.

I wanted to trust Him.

But really, I wanted to trust Him that things would turn out the way I wanted.

What started as anger and profound disappointment became a much deeper question: what is it that God is actually promising?

Because when I looked honestly at scripture, and honestly at the lives of many faithful Christians, I could not make the theology work that says if you trust God enough everything will work out nicely on earth.

I read Corrie Ten Boom, who watched family members die in a concentration camp.

I thought about the disciples, who followed Jesus probably better than most of us ever will, and yet many of them were executed, imprisoned, tortured or killed.

I thought about Christians who love God deeply and…….

Still die of cancer.

Still lose children.

Still suffer betrayal.

Still face terrible grief.

So what were they trusting God for – what should I trust God for?

That question changed my faith.

It took me a very long time to realise that maybe the promise of Christianity is not that life on earth will always be OK.

Maybe the promise is that God will be with us in whatever happens.

That He will never leave us nor forsake us.

That His peace is real.

That He can work through suffering.

That He can use even painful circumstances.

That this life is not the end of the story.

And slowly as the layers of anger and disappointment were peeled away and dealt with I looked back and saw God had been instrumental in my 20s…..

But I think sometimes in church culture we accidentally preach trust in outcomes instead of trust in God.

We talk about breakthrough, victory, better days, everything turning around. And don’t get me wrong I passionately believe God moves powerfully and ultimately when we arrive in heaven every is redeemed.

I believe miracles happen.

I’ve seen God answer mine and others prayers.

God once in his grace sent an angel to sit at the end of my bed when I was in hospital – Gods power is real…..it’s just not guaranteed however much I believe – because He is ultimately in charge.

And what does this mean? I no longer think Christian faith can grow deeply in environments that only preach and chase after positive outcomes.

Because sometimes the miracle comes.

And sometimes it doesn’t, so our faith needs to be grown and nurtured to deal with both.

You see God is still God in both outcomes.

I no longer think I can biblically say to someone: “Trust God and everything will be alright on this earth.”

Because scripture simply does not promise that.

What it promises is something both harder and deeper.

It promises presence.

It promises redemption.

It promises eternity.

It promises that suffering is not the final word.

And strangely, although that theology initially felt far more frightening to me, it has actually produced a much more solid faith.

Because my trust is no longer hanging entirely on whether circumstances improve.

My trust now is this:

that whatever happens, God will be with me

And if it’s not okay, it’s not the end.

Because in the end (heaven) it will be okay.